The Endgame of Earth (a play)
Because sometimes, you’ve got to revisit the classics for an homage.
Setting: The stage is set with a large, illuminated globe at center stage.
The lights dim, and a spotlight focuses on the NARRATOR, a figure cloaked in a dark robe, their face obscured by shadow. They gesture grandly towards the globe as they speak.
NARRATOR:
(gesturing to the globe)
H’okay. So, here’s the Earth. It’s chilling. “Dammmm, that is a sweet Earth” you might say. WRONG!
(The globe begins to spin slowly, lights flickering across its surface to indicate turmoil.)
NARRATOR (cont’d):
Alright, ruling out the ice caps melting, meteors becoming crashed into us, the ozone layer leaving, and the sun exploding, we’re definitely going to blow ourselves up.
(The stage lights flicker red, suggesting impending doom.)
NARRATOR (cont’d):
H’okay. So basically, we’ve got…
(counts on fingers)
China, France, India, Israel, Pakistan, Russia, the UK, and us, with nukes.
(Actors representing each country step forward, each holding a symbolic missile. The UNITED STATES actor steps forward with a larger stack of missiles.)
“
NARRATOR (cont’d):
We’ve got about 2,600 more than anybody else. Whatever. H’Anyway.
UNITED STATES:
(determined)
One day, we decide those Chinese sons of a bitches are going down.
(The actor representing the UNITED STATES launches a fake nuke at CHINA. The CHINA actor is taken aback, shocked.)
CHINA (panicking):
Shit, shit, who the fuck is shooting us? Oh well, fire missiles!
FRANCE:
(alarmed, with an exaggerated French accent)
Shit, guys! We got the missiles, zey are coming! Fire our shit!
(The stage becomes chaotic, lights swirling as actors representing INDIA, ISRAEL, and PAKISTAN launch their missiles.)
INDIA, ISRAEL, PAKISTAN (together):
Then fire the missiles!
AUSTRALIA:
(confused, holding a surfboard)
WTF, mate!
RUSSIA:
(outraged, draped in fur)
Aaah, motherland!
ENGLAND:
(unflustered, holding a cup of tea)
Bout that time, eh chaps?
ANOTHER ENGLISH CHARACTER:
Right-oh.
UNITED STATES:
(facepalming)
Fuck, we’re dumbasses.
CANADA:
(clueless, dressed as a Mountie)
What’s going on, eh?
AUSTRALIA:
(still holding the surfboard, bewildered)
WTF?
(The lights dim, and a red glow simulates a massive explosion. A character representing MARS laughs at the chaos from afar.)
MARS (laughing):
Well, fuck that.
(The lights flicker, simulating a nuclear winter. All actors fall to the ground, except AUSTRALIA, who stands alone, still confused.)
AUSTRALIA (dying):
WTF?…
NARRATOR (solemnly):
But, assuming we don’t blow ourselves up, us Californians just have to worry about California breaking up from the United States. To go hang with Hawaii. Alaska can come too.
(The stage goes dark, leaving the audience to ponder the fate of the Earth as the curtain falls.)
Lolwut?
This is what happens when you feed a 2003 Internet Meme into a battery of AIs (Specifically: MacWhisper (transcription) → GPT-4 (Writing) → Olympia (formatting) → MidJourney (Illustrations)
